A huge goal that I have for this year is authenticity. Not that I’m walking around being a fake person, but it’s really important to me to focus on being truly authentic. Being myself. I think that that involves some transparency as well as a willingness to let people actually hear some things from me that I have never been comfortable saying.
The reason I don’t look at this as a resolution but as more of a goal is because I’m not looking at it as something that I am going to either fail or succeed at. I am deciding to just take a small little step each day to do something more authentic.
Vulnerability is scary as scary can be. But I also like it. Because I like human connection and you can’t have that without some level of vulnerability. The scariest things can also be the best things.
One of my absolute favorite accounts I follow on instagram is a yogi girl. If you notice anything at all about the yoga world you have probably noticed a lot of showiness. And that bothers me. It turned me off to it for quite a while. But there is something about this girl that really draws me in. And I believe it is her authenticity and willingness to be vulnerable. With strangers. I think it’s possible it may actually be easier to be vulnerable with a stranger than with someone you know. But it just amazes me that she is able to be so real and genuine and not flashy. She is making connections with people and opening herself up and I think it makes her a lovely person.
I am striving for that. To be known as a lovely person because I am vulnerable and authentic. It’s what I want. I don’t care about being what I’m “supposed to be.” I just want to be the actual me.
It just dawned upon me, today actually, that when I’m dealing with feelings of worry and anxiety and nervousness, or any overwhelming feelings really, the best thing I can do is acknowledge it. I’ve never really done that before. I freak out because something is happening inside me that I can’t or don’t know how to control/address and I usually just try to distract myself. I don’t think that is a healthy way to deal with such feelings. And I have definitely noticed it play out in my personal health.
Sometimes I get this knot in my stomach that just won’t go away for days and days. It doesn’t make me feel sick per say, but I usually can’t eat much and don’t sleep well. I would say that a majority of the time I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me and causing my stomach to knot up. I go about my day trying to ignore it and hoping it will fade away on its own. As I said before, I think the root of this problem is in not acknowledging what’s really going on.
I know for certain that ignoring things doesn’t make them go away. And that includes feelings.
Something that has really bothered me a LOT this past year is people (myself included) being disingenuous and inauthentic. I mean it really eats away at me. I don’t like it. At all. I like people who are straightforward and honest. I even enjoy people being blunt as long as they aren’t being rude or obnoxious or intentionally hurtful.
This is not an easy task for me, being direct and straightforward. I witnessed my parents, my mother especially, constantly manipulating conversations and skirting around issues and just plain not being direct about what they wanted/needed to say. I hate that. And yet it is still a great struggle for me to be direct with people. I actually envy my niece sometimes as she seems to find such ease in stating what she’s feeling without any apprehension. She is a very expressive 5 year old.
So my goal here is not to go around telling everyone every single thing I am feeling all the time. My goal is authenticity. I want to make sure that I am true to myself and my own feelings, concerns, desires, needs, and passions. I think a part of that also includes allowing other people to be vulnerable with you. A true, deep friendship, or any relationship can only come from being authentic and being allowed to be truly and fully vulnerable.
Isn’t that the whole point of our existence? To connect with people? It is something that is vital to our well being and survival. And all I know is that I can’t do without it.