It is officially my one year blogiversary. I was looking back at my earliest posts and I definitely started out with a lot of energy and excitement and was able to punch out a good number of posts each week.
The thing is, I was in a really good (happy?) place when I chose to start blogging. I had spent a whole summer with someone who I thought was a good friend as well as dating someone who made me feel very comfortable and easy with myself. By the time October rolled around, I had been discussing starting this blog for months and that guy kept encouraging me to do it every time we spoke.
I think it has taken me almost an entire year to get over him. I don’t really know how to address how ridiculous it seems considering we were never in a committed relationship. But now I am able to look back without feeling excruciating pain. I do think that in some way he was the reason I started blogging. I had always wanted to write but regular blogging wasn’t something I had considered. He pushed me to do it. And I am grateful for that.
It was good. I was going to therapy and this guy was telling me that I should definitely do this great thing. And I did. I dove right in. But not long after I started, he disappeared from my life. And I fell into a terrible depression that just continued to get worse as I also lost a “friend” a few months after losing him. Basically, the two people I spent the most time with and felt closest to vanished from my life, after stabbing me in the heart and crushing my soul. There were some other things going on as well that just contributed to a major decline in my health physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I am glad to say that I am starting to do better. Not feeling excruciating pain every single day makes it a little easier to look forward. Honestly, when you are in the midst of depression, looking forward isn’t even an option. It’s like your brain won’t allow you to look forward. At random times I still get hit with the feelings of my friend dumping me, which happened more recently than the guy thing. But I am finding better relationships with my family and that makes all the difference.
I tend to feel extremely guilty about not posting as often as I used to. But working 50 hours a week as well as taking graduate classes leaves me a little overworked and mentally drained at the end of every day. I love my work and school and those both have to come before my blogging. But I am hoping to get myself a bit more organized and on a more consistent schedule with blogging and everything else.
Reflecting on your life is a funny thing sometimes. When I reflect on my childhood, I almost feel as if I didn’t live that life. But I am reminded often with the things I constantly struggle with that, yes indeed, I did live that life. Over the past few months especially, I have watched myself change quite a bit. It may not be in any way that anyone will notice outwardly, but I can feel it. I am in a very different mental space now and I think I’m really liking it.
As I approach 30 very soon, I am beginning to care less and less about what people think or what they might say about my changing political/social opinions, the way I dress, who I choose to spend time with, whether or not my job is “real”, and even speaking out about things that I care about, especially when those things tend to go against the grain.
To be perfectly honest, I have never really been a go-along-with-the-crowd kind of person. Maybe no one ever knew because I was the silent one, but inside I’ve always pushed against doing the popular thing, whether that be in fundamentalist christian culture or in the culture I live in now. My mother did always used to say how stubborn I was. Silently stubborn, I suppose. Or maybe I became silent because I had to.
I do know that I don’t like to post the same exact kind of pictures that 5 billion other girls are posting on instagram. And I don’t like to post memes on my facebook wall about “choosing happiness” or ranting and railing about ridiculous things with nothing to back up the argument.
I like to spend a lot of time researching things out. And I like to spend a lot of time thinking about things before I speak or write about them. It may make me a bit eccentric, but I often have a lot of things I want to write about but then I tend to pull back because I want to think about it more first. And that sometimes ends up leaving me in a loop of not posting something for weeks.
I am also becoming more bold though in speaking up about things that bother me on social media and engaging in civil conversations, which is unfortunately a rare thing. Civility and kindness don’t seem to be much of a concern for a lot of people when they start talking on the internet. I suppose hiding behind a screen makes it a lot easier to be nasty.
Social media has a lot of power. And I like that but also hate it. People use it as a weapon to be especially hateful. I can’t imagine a lot of the things I read would ever be said to someone’s face. Words on a screen seem less confrontational or harsh then someone standing right in front of you saying the same things. But that is the world we live in.
I’m trying to use it in a different way. I’m trying to just be myself. So no, I do not have a perfectly curated instagram feed that hundreds of people want to see everyday. But I find a lot of joy in what I do post because it is my real life. My job, my home, my family, the things that I care about the most just as they are, not staged, not perfectly presented, and certainly not always beautiful in comparison to a lot of other instagram feeds, but they are beautiful to me.
And that’s why I will continue with this blog as well. Because it is beautiful to me. However clumsy or confusing or ridiculous some post might end up being, I write because it’s beautiful to me. My crazy, weird, not-like-everyone-else life is beautiful to me. And that is everything right there. That I can say that now, that my life is beautiful to me, that is what has changed in a year.